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How You Can Help a Grieving Parent This Holiday Season

12/16/2014

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Yesterday's post was about things a grieving parent could do to cope with the emotional challenges of the holiday season.  Today's post is for those of you who know a bereaved parent.  This post is about ways you can help them.  It does not matter how long ago their child died.  Parents miss their child every bit as much today as they did the day their child died.  Unfortunately, those around them often think after the first year, they no longer need the TLC, support, and care they received then.  

The holidays are always a very difficult time for anyone who has lost a loved one.  The holiday season is especially difficult to those who have lost children.  Triggers for their pain and sadness abound and they often feel exhausted, irritable, and have trouble remembering the simplest of things.  There are so many things that those around a bereaved parent can do lend support and let them know you care and have not forgotten they are hurting.  Mostly, they want to know you haven't forgotten their child. Remember bereaved parents are not likely to tell you what they want or need, because they are lost in their own grief.  The best gifts are the ones that we don't have to ask for.  

Things you can do to support or help a grieving parent this holiday season:
  1. * Have no expectations of how they will act or react.  Be mindful that their behavior may be a       direct manifestation of their grief.  Even if it's been decades since their child died.
  2. * Respect their need for privacy or solitude.  
  3. * Be a calm, loving, and understanding presence in their life.  Say, “I love you.”
  4. * Be available to them, anytime day or night.  Both before and after the holidays.
  5. * Ask them how they are doing.  Listen.  Listen. Listen.  Acknowledge this is difficult for them, out    loud. Invite and allow them to share their thoughts, feelings and stories.  Over and over and        over again if necessary.  Acknowledge to them that you know this is a difficult time for them      and that you are thinking of them and are there for them.
  6. * Say their child’s name to them.  Share a memory about their child.  Give them a gift that honors   their child.
  7. * Ask them, “What would help?” or, “What can I do for you?”  Be sure you are prepared to follow   through on whatever they request.
  8. * Offer to help them with everyday chores like cleaning, food shopping, and child care.  Offer to     help with holiday chores and preparations.  Offer to shop, wrap, cook, address cards, deliver         gifts, decorate, and whatever else they may need or want to do, but are having difficulty           managing or finding the time do or to finish.
  9. * Only give advice if asked.
  10. * Encourage them to connect with nature.  Walk with them, literally and figuratively.
  11. * Send a card, bring or send them flowers or a plant.  Tell them you know they are hurting and     you love them.
  12. * Gift them a token of remembrance.  Perhaps an angel figurine, a comfort shawl, a piece of           remembrance jewelry, a basket of tea or coffee and an inspirational mug, a memorial donation,     an ornament honoring their child, a unique photo frame, a star from the International Star           Registry, a memorial centerpiece or candle, anything that honors the memory of their child is a     wonderful way to acknowledge their child and their parent's grief. 
  13. One of the most loving and most desired gift any bereaved parent wants is for you to say their child's name to them.  They want to know that their child and their importance in their life has not been forgotten.  They want you to acknowledge they are hurting and why.  Don't shy away from them or fear mentioning their child will make them sad or make them cry.  It might, but it's not because you "made" them remember.  It's because you cared enough to see their pain, acknowledge it, and reach out. Perhaps through your own pain.  They think of their children every day.  Not acknowledging their child and their pain is what hurts them the most.  You can write to them, call them, tag them on Facebook or send a card.  They may cry, and so may you, but that's okay.  It's a good thing.  They are grateful you just gave them such a wonderful gift.  The best, easiest, and most inexpensive gift of all, is acknowledgement.  

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Coping with Grief Around the Holidays

12/15/2014

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Holidays can be one of the most difficult times for those who have lost a loved one.  This is especially true in the first year following their death.  When that loved one is a child, it goes beyond the physical loss to the loss of your hopes and dreams.  The loss of the way you envisioned the holidays would be for your family with your child present, through the years as they grew.  Their absence is painfully obvious, year after year.

Holidays are traditionally a time for celebrating with friends and gathering with family.  It is a busy time, often involving parties, shopping for gifts, and travel to see family and friends.

For those who have lost a child, it is often a long and painful road. One many bereaved parents dread.  Someone important in our lives will always be missing from these celebrations.  Relationships will change. Family dynamics will change.  Traditions will change.  Priorities will change.

The realization that it’s not just this year, but every year, from now on, that we won’t share these special times with our child.  We won’t see them grow. They won’t have their own family to share it with someday.

It can drain the energy and joy of the season right out of you.  Parents sometimes want to skip the holidays altogether and often can’t wait for them to be over.  It’s always hardest the first year, although they will always be difficult for many.  They don’t have to be this way forever, but those firsts are so, so difficult.  Eventually, the bereaved parents find new ways to cope with and manage the holidays.  New traditions may emerge.  Holidays and special events will get easier over time, but they are different than they once were… forever.  

Social events can be a challenge for the bereaved, especially during the holidays.  There is pressure, either from friends and family, or, simply self-imposed, that you have to participate in certain events. Attending parties, going to church or synagogue, hosting events you have always hosted, baking or cooking as you have always done, or travelling elsewhere for traditional events can be overwhelming.  

Here’s the thing.  You can say no!  It’s okay to say, “No.”  It’s okay to say you are not sure.  It’s okay to say, “Yes.” and then change your mind.  It is okay to go to an event and then leave if it’s too much for you. 

It can be difficult to know how you are going to feel at any given moment in time, so keep an open mind.  After some time, you will learn which events are more challenging or difficult emotionally.  You will come to know what anticipatory grief is, what triggers it for you, and be able to plan for it.  But in the beginning, you just won’t know until that very moment.  That’s okay.  

There are ways to remember, honor, and even involve the memory of your child or other deceased loved ones in your holiday celebrations.  There are new traditions that can be created that focus on the love, light, and joy your child brought to your lives.  There is a way to find joy and peace.  

Here are a few suggestions to make coping with the holidays easier:
 Know that they will be hard.  It will help if you prepare yourself and those around you.  Talk with your immediate and then extended family about how you want to celebrate.  Be as honest and specific as you can be.  

  1. It’s okay to say, “No.”  It’s hard to know how you will feel any given day.  So it’s okay to say       “Maybe.” or even “No.” to the party invitations.  It’s also okay to get to the party or event and realize  you can’t or don’t want to stay and to leave.  You do not need to feel obligated to bring a gift or food.  If you do, ask someone else to bake and shop for you unless those things bring you comfort and peace. 
  2. Sometimes people want to involve you in planning, preparation, or invite you to events to help     distract you from missing your child.  What others don’t understand is that nothing will make you forget.  Not only that, but it’s healthy and normal for you to be feeling more grief at the holiday   times.  Others who have not been there don’t realize it’s not something you can escape, even if you desperately want to.  It’s with you.  That said, if you do find the distraction helpful, then by all means, get involved!
  3. Shopping can be very difficult.  Triggers abound.  Energy is often low, and the ability to cope with stress is minimal.  Having to deal with traffic, parking challenges, crowds, happy people, mall Santas, and even the music and decorations can prove to be overwhelming.  Instead, try to shop throughout the year, online, or ask others to shop for you.  Maybe you just give gift cards this year.
  4. It’s okay if you don’t want to decorate or follow the usual traditions.  Perhaps, you only do the bare minimum.  Maybe, you don’t decorate at all.  Maybe you get a new decoration instead. Maybe         putting electric candles in the windows to honor your child, instead of a Christmas tree, is more             meaningful and less stressful for you this year… maybe every year.
  5. Don’t feel as if you need to send cards or bake, even if you have always done these things.  If you         traditionally host, it’s okay to say you are not up to it. 
  6. Consider attending a remembrance or memorial event or creating one for your family and friends.         The second Sunday in December is the annual Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting.       Many chapters hold events so that bereaved parents can gather together.  Our local chapter has a         dinner and remembrance evening that is beautiful.  At 7 pm, local time, candles are lit in memory of     our children, “So that their light may always shine.”  You can light a candle at your own home; you     needn’t attend a formal event.  The vision is a 24 hour wave of light around the world in memory of     all our children who are gone too soon.  It’s a beautiful sentiment.  Perhaps, you could create a special     candle just for your child.  We made up tea lights for Meghan and gave them to our family and         friends for the first candle lighting.  Of course, you can light a candle for your child at anytime!
  7. If there is an Angel of Hope statue from the story, “The Christmas Box,” nearby, consider visiting it.         There are several, all around the United States, in Canada, and even one in Japan.  There is a               remembrance ceremony on December 6th every year at these memorials, but you can visit them           anytime.
  8. Consider creating a new tradition to honor your child that you can grow and honor them with              every year… an ornament or a special candle centerpiece.  Bring a gift to their grave, perhaps,              flowers, a wind chime, an angel statue, or some token of love and honor.
  9. Try to find one thing to be grateful for each day.  It helps us refocus and take a breath.  It helps us        realize there is good in the world.  In our lives.  In us.  Commit a random act of kindness in honor of        your child.  
  10. Set a place for them at your holiday table or create a small remembrance table for them in a               common area of your home with their photo, perhaps the “Five Candles” poem, and a candle.
  11. Most of all, be patient with yourself.  It's okay if you feel the pain of the loss of your child or any loved one you have lost more at this time of year.  It's perfectly normal to.  You may find yourself more irritable, more apt to cry at any moment, and find it's difficult to remember things.  That's what grief does.  Finding a way to honor, remember, and include the memory of your child into your holiday traditions is a beautiful way to celebrate their life and the love you have for them. 
  12. If you have a tradition or a special way you honor your child or  loved one at the holidays and you'd like to share, feel free to post it in the comments.

Wishing you peace this holiday season.


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A Heartfelt Welcome

12/10/2014

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Welcome to the Out of the Darkness Blog.  Here I will post information, thoughts, and helpful insights and resources for coping with the death of a child or loved one.

Even though Out of the Darkness is a book aimed at bereaved parents, family, friends, and those who support them, it's really a resource for anyone touched by the death of a child of any age.  Those who lose adult children are just as deeply affected as those who lose a young child.  The reality is everyone knows someone who has lost a child, you just may not be aware of it.

My hope is that this is a place where you can come for information, support, and resources.  A place where questions can be answered and your heart helped toward healing.  

Whatever led you to this website and wherever you are in your grief journey, I welcome you.  Thank you for stopping by and taking care of you or someone you love. 

Namaste
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