A glimpse of spring at Meggie's "special place" at the cemetery. A tribute to her love of Tinker Bell and pink. Spring time is finally here! Many of the bereaved struggle with winter, especially those who live where it is cold and snowy. Winter tends to cause us to want to hibernate and may feed depression, especially for those who already have depression or seasonal affective disorder.
Triggers abound in the springtime
Spring brings sunshine, warmth, cleansing and nourishing rain and an abundance of trigger days for the bereaved. It also brings hope. Spring itself is a time of re-birth, renewal, and many ceremonies to celebrate these elements happen in the spring. Baby and wedding showers and weddings can be very difficult for parents who have lost an adult or teenage child. Proms and graduations can be difficult for all bereaved parents, but especially those who lost a younger child who would be attending prom or graduating this year. Memorial Day is also a day of remembrance, not just for our Veterans, but for all parents who have lost a child and all people who have lost someone they love. We remember and honor them on this day all over the country.
Mother's and Father's Day
And then, the biggies. Mother's Day and Father's Day. I know I dread Mother's Day. While not all parents feel this way, Mother's Day always reminds me that I failed in the core tenet of being a parent. I failed to keep my child safe and alive. It's a huge trigger for me and for many other bereaved moms. On a day when you should be celebrated for the amazing mom you are, the sacrifices you've made for your family, and honored by your children, you are painfully and obviously reminded one of them (or for some, more than one) is missing. Never to wish you a happy Mother's Day again. Your other children likely still want to celebrate, all you may want to do is hide, cry, or pull the covers over your head until it's over. Or, perhaps you choose to focus on your surviving children, because the pain of your loss is just too challenging to cope with on that day. It may manifest in different ways or on the days before or after the "main" one. I know I am often irritable the day before and profoundly sad the day of. Many father's feel the same way on Father's Day. You long for the past and your mourn the loss of the future.
Some tips for bereaved parents for coping with these difficult days
- Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, and to change your mind. Know feelings will come and go and may do so at unexpected times as well as expected times
- Share your thoughts and feelings with others. Let them know these are difficult days or events for you and why
- When accepting invitations to events that may be a trigger, let the organizer know you may be a last minute decision or even may need to leave early if it proves to be too emotionally difficult for you. It's okay to decline invitations, too.
- Always carry tissues, just in case
- On days of significance, create your own way to celebrate. Make a donation to the school's prom or graduation fund in memory of your child, ask their classmates to wear a button or ribbon in their memory (the same can be done at baby and wedding themed events), decorate their grave in a way that is meaningful to you, write them a letter, light a candle in their memory, request a religious mass or dedication at your place of worship on or near that date, bring a photo of them to the event and set a place for them to honor their place in the event.
- Create or wear a piece of remembrance jewelry or a pin/button with their photo
- Create your own ceremony or ritual and add to it or change it over the years as you feel called to.
- Remember it's okay to cry, to laugh, to be angry, to be happy, to be silly, to feel sad or depressed, to celebrate, or to not celebrate. There is no right or wrong, only what feels right for you.
Tips for others to support parents on these difficult days
- Send a card, email, or give a call. Let them know you are thinking of them and their child on this difficult day for them
- Say their child's name, share a memory
- Offer a hug. Just because you care.
- Send flowers or make a donation in their child's memory to a meaningful organization to the parents/child
- Offer to help - run errands, clean the house, take them out for lunch or to stop by with lunch or supper to talk or offer support.
- Gift them a copy of my book, or another book on coping with loss. It's never too late!
- Listen.
- Do not offer advice, judge, or tell them they "should" or "should not" do anything. Validate whatever they are feeling
- Tell them you love them
- If you are holding an event that is on or near a date of significance or simply the event itself is a trigger (Father's Day BBQ, a wedding, graduation party, etc.), reach out to that parent and let them know how much you'd love for them to attend, but that you understand it may be a difficult day for them. Simply letting them know you remember, and acknowledge the pain they feel in missing their child, goes a long way to helping them cope and grieve. Ask if they'd like you to do anything in memory of their child. at the event.
- Be understanding if they cancel at the last minute, or declined your invitation and want to attend at the last minute. Understand they may leave the room or the event at times, cry, or have a difficult time being enthusiastic.
- Gift them a token of remembrance. A piece of remembrance jewelry, a photo of them and their child in a nice frame, a garden stone, a wind chime, a plant for their yard or garden or grave site.
-Did I mention say their child's name and acknowledge how difficult this day is for them?
Triggers are unavoidable. Some happen completely out of the blue and unexpectedly. Others are more predictable. If you are a bereaved parent, or know one, remember, it does not matter how old their child was when they died or how long it has been. Certain days of significance and rites of passage are difficult for the bereaved. Some more so than others.
Having tools and permission to both grieve and cope in a way that is meaningful to you is the most important gift you can give yourself or a bereaved parent, grandparent, sibling, or a friend.
Most importantly, remember whatever you feel is what you feel. It's okay. There is no right or wrong way. Only your way.
May memories bring you comfort and may you always feel the love of your child and loved ones who have died in and around you. Love never dies.
Triggers abound in the springtime
Spring brings sunshine, warmth, cleansing and nourishing rain and an abundance of trigger days for the bereaved. It also brings hope. Spring itself is a time of re-birth, renewal, and many ceremonies to celebrate these elements happen in the spring. Baby and wedding showers and weddings can be very difficult for parents who have lost an adult or teenage child. Proms and graduations can be difficult for all bereaved parents, but especially those who lost a younger child who would be attending prom or graduating this year. Memorial Day is also a day of remembrance, not just for our Veterans, but for all parents who have lost a child and all people who have lost someone they love. We remember and honor them on this day all over the country.
Mother's and Father's Day
And then, the biggies. Mother's Day and Father's Day. I know I dread Mother's Day. While not all parents feel this way, Mother's Day always reminds me that I failed in the core tenet of being a parent. I failed to keep my child safe and alive. It's a huge trigger for me and for many other bereaved moms. On a day when you should be celebrated for the amazing mom you are, the sacrifices you've made for your family, and honored by your children, you are painfully and obviously reminded one of them (or for some, more than one) is missing. Never to wish you a happy Mother's Day again. Your other children likely still want to celebrate, all you may want to do is hide, cry, or pull the covers over your head until it's over. Or, perhaps you choose to focus on your surviving children, because the pain of your loss is just too challenging to cope with on that day. It may manifest in different ways or on the days before or after the "main" one. I know I am often irritable the day before and profoundly sad the day of. Many father's feel the same way on Father's Day. You long for the past and your mourn the loss of the future.
Some tips for bereaved parents for coping with these difficult days
- Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel, and to change your mind. Know feelings will come and go and may do so at unexpected times as well as expected times
- Share your thoughts and feelings with others. Let them know these are difficult days or events for you and why
- When accepting invitations to events that may be a trigger, let the organizer know you may be a last minute decision or even may need to leave early if it proves to be too emotionally difficult for you. It's okay to decline invitations, too.
- Always carry tissues, just in case
- On days of significance, create your own way to celebrate. Make a donation to the school's prom or graduation fund in memory of your child, ask their classmates to wear a button or ribbon in their memory (the same can be done at baby and wedding themed events), decorate their grave in a way that is meaningful to you, write them a letter, light a candle in their memory, request a religious mass or dedication at your place of worship on or near that date, bring a photo of them to the event and set a place for them to honor their place in the event.
- Create or wear a piece of remembrance jewelry or a pin/button with their photo
- Create your own ceremony or ritual and add to it or change it over the years as you feel called to.
- Remember it's okay to cry, to laugh, to be angry, to be happy, to be silly, to feel sad or depressed, to celebrate, or to not celebrate. There is no right or wrong, only what feels right for you.
Tips for others to support parents on these difficult days
- Send a card, email, or give a call. Let them know you are thinking of them and their child on this difficult day for them
- Say their child's name, share a memory
- Offer a hug. Just because you care.
- Send flowers or make a donation in their child's memory to a meaningful organization to the parents/child
- Offer to help - run errands, clean the house, take them out for lunch or to stop by with lunch or supper to talk or offer support.
- Gift them a copy of my book, or another book on coping with loss. It's never too late!
- Listen.
- Do not offer advice, judge, or tell them they "should" or "should not" do anything. Validate whatever they are feeling
- Tell them you love them
- If you are holding an event that is on or near a date of significance or simply the event itself is a trigger (Father's Day BBQ, a wedding, graduation party, etc.), reach out to that parent and let them know how much you'd love for them to attend, but that you understand it may be a difficult day for them. Simply letting them know you remember, and acknowledge the pain they feel in missing their child, goes a long way to helping them cope and grieve. Ask if they'd like you to do anything in memory of their child. at the event.
- Be understanding if they cancel at the last minute, or declined your invitation and want to attend at the last minute. Understand they may leave the room or the event at times, cry, or have a difficult time being enthusiastic.
- Gift them a token of remembrance. A piece of remembrance jewelry, a photo of them and their child in a nice frame, a garden stone, a wind chime, a plant for their yard or garden or grave site.
-Did I mention say their child's name and acknowledge how difficult this day is for them?
Triggers are unavoidable. Some happen completely out of the blue and unexpectedly. Others are more predictable. If you are a bereaved parent, or know one, remember, it does not matter how old their child was when they died or how long it has been. Certain days of significance and rites of passage are difficult for the bereaved. Some more so than others.
Having tools and permission to both grieve and cope in a way that is meaningful to you is the most important gift you can give yourself or a bereaved parent, grandparent, sibling, or a friend.
Most importantly, remember whatever you feel is what you feel. It's okay. There is no right or wrong way. Only your way.
May memories bring you comfort and may you always feel the love of your child and loved ones who have died in and around you. Love never dies.
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