How You Can Help a Grieving Parent This Holiday Season

Yesterday's post was about things a grieving parent could do to cope with the emotional challenges of the holiday season.  Today's post is for those of you who know a bereaved parent.  This post is about ways you can help them.  It does not matter how long ago their child died.  Parents miss their child every bit as much today as they did the day their child died.  Unfortunately, those around them often think after the first year, they no longer need the TLC, support, and care they received then.  

The holidays are always a very difficult time for anyone who has lost a loved one.  The holiday season is especially difficult to those who have lost children.  Triggers for their pain and sadness abound and they often feel exhausted, irritable, and have trouble remembering the simplest of things.  There are so many things that those around a bereaved parent can do lend support and let them know you care and have not forgotten they are hurting.  Mostly, they want to know you haven't forgotten their child. Remember bereaved parents are not likely to tell you what they want or need, because they are lost in their own grief.  The best gifts are the ones that we don't have to ask for.  

Things you can do to support or help a grieving parent this holiday season:

1. * Have no expectations of how they will act or react.  Be mindful that their behavior may be a       direct manifestation of their grief.  Even if it's been decades since their child died.
2. * Respect their need for privacy or solitude.  
3. * Be a calm, loving, and understanding presence in their life.  Say, “I love you.”
4. * Be available to them, anytime day or night.  Both before and after the holidays.
5. * Ask them how they are doing.  Listen.  Listen. Listen.  Acknowledge this is difficult for them, out    loud. Invite and allow them to share their thoughts, feelings and stories.  Over and over and        over again if necessary.  Acknowledge to them that you know this is a difficult time for them      and that you are thinking of them and are there for them.
6. * Say their child’s name to them.  Share a memory about their child.  Give them a gift that honors   their child.
7. * Ask them, “What would help?” or, “What can I do for you?”  Be sure you are prepared to follow   through on whatever they request.
8. * Offer to help them with everyday chores like cleaning, food shopping, and child care.  Offer to     help with holiday chores and preparations.  Offer to shop, wrap, cook, address cards, deliver         gifts, decorate, and whatever else they may need or want to do, but are having difficulty           managing or finding the time do or to finish.
9. * Only give advice if asked.
10. * Encourage them to connect with nature.  Walk with them, literally and figuratively.
11. * Send a card, bring or send them flowers or a plant.  Tell them you know they are hurting and     you love them.
12. * Gift them a token of remembrance.  Perhaps an angel figurine, a comfort shawl, a piece of           remembrance jewelry, a basket of tea or coffee and an inspirational mug, a memorial donation,     an ornament honoring their child, a unique photo frame, a star from the International Star           Registry, a memorial centerpiece or candle, anything that honors the memory of their child is a     wonderful way to acknowledge their child and their parent's grief. 
13. One of the most loving and most desired gift any bereaved parent wants is for you to say their child's name to them.  They want to know that their child and their importance in their life has not been forgotten.  They want you to acknowledge they are hurting and why.  Don't shy away from them or fear mentioning their child will make them sad or make them cry.  It might, but it's not because you "made" them remember.  It's because you cared enough to see their pain, acknowledge it, and reach out. Perhaps through your own pain.  They think of their children every day.  Not acknowledging their child and their pain is what hurts them the most.  You can write to them, call them, tag them on Facebook or send a card.  They may cry, and so may you, but that's okay.  It's a good thing.  They are grateful you just gave them such a wonderful gift.  The best, easiest, and most inexpensive gift of all, is acknowledgement.